The Grace Observed

Father if you ask –though I know you have already known everything about me, that You have written my life even since I was still in my mother’s womb– but if you do ask, what would I want from a man to be my husband, I couldn’t resist to answer.

I would fall in love with a man, who falls in love with You everyday, and every second of his life. That kind of man would certainly makes me want to know him better, and be close to him, for I know he would lead me back to You. You are his All in all.

I would fall in love with a man who doesn’t want me for my appearance, my body, my brain, or even my needs to be loved. But he wants me because he can see You inside of me. He can see what others don’t. And I am there beside him not because he needs someone to serve him and make foods for him –though I would do it gladly– but because God has taken away his rib for sometime and now he wants it back (LoL), and because he needs a partner, someone to go up and down the rollercoaster together, in a long journey of fulfilling Your plans in our lives.

Making me laugh certainly gets my attention; a good joke is such a great icebreaker. But nothing gets my full attention more than a long and wonderful conversation about You. The thing is, I love talking about You, writing about You, telling people about my feelings and my walks with You.  It would be a divine blessing to find someone with the same excitement. I am always passionate when my mentor teaches me the word of God. It boils the spirit within me. Man, I would love to have a husband who would do that to me every morning, teach me the Word, live by the Word, love to ponder on the Word.

I would fall in love with a man who speaks less of himself, and more about others and You. I am not a fan of those guys who love changing their BBM status and telling the whole world what they are doing. I want to feel curious about him, wanting to know more of him and what You have done in his life. He is not always an open book, but not a sealed envelope too. I love when someone leaves me a tiny room to be nosy. I would love the way he leaves a trail of breadcrumbs for me to follow. Of course openness is necessary in a marriage, but before marriage, a bit of mystery would keep the “getting to know each other” interesting.

Being nice, clean, and tidy, are good, wearing a tie and a suit is lovely, but facial-ing, waxing, and hair-coloring thing, let’s leave it to the female species, please. Metrosexual guys frighten me. A zit could easily stop them from going to church.

He has to be a strong man of God. I don’t like whiners. A problem should be a challenge for him, and an opportunity to see Your glory present in our lives, it won’t be something that can hold him down or stop him from walking in Your plans. Doubts might come, adversaries might come, heck, life might be hard sometimes, because we are following the path of Jesus, but nothing can separate us from Your love, and he knows that for sure, perseverance is in his blood, that is why he will keep getting back up after every fall.

He loves Your presence and wants to stay there as long as he can. A true worshiper, a man of prayer, someone who simply can’t start the day without You. He is filled by the Spirit, moved by the Spirit, work with the Spirit. He knows that the Holy Spirit is undoubtedly an important and integral part of His life, His family, and His ministry. Well, I don’t really care if he has a ministry or not, but most important, he is not controlled by his ministry.  A lot of men are serving You because of social status, it makes them look good socially, it builds a stage for them to stand on, it is more of a career for them than a Godly mission. I even see a lot of people who is studying the Word to be able to look smart among the holy people. I once met a guy who described his credentials on the first date: his ‘rank’ in the church, and that he is the leader of this and that. It has successfully turned me off the minute he said it. That is such an unnecessary thing to do. I, like my God, am not amazed by achievements; I am only amazed by a God-loving heart. I want a man who does everything out of his love for You. He knows that You don’t need anything from him, he is not paying You back, but he is doing everything as a son that has been saved, and he just loves to see his Father’s smile.

He doesn’t think that man’s acceptance is important, because he already has Your acceptance. He is not afraid to say things he must say; he is a man of his own opinion. And his opinion is inline with the Truth.

I also long for a meek heart, a humble spirit. I would surely fall in love with a man who dares to say sorry whenever he feels that it could lead him to a door of reconciliation, a man who is willing to make peace. He knows that above everything he has to be able to reflect You in everything that he does. He is not yet perfect, but he plans to go there.

More than anything, I know that our love to each other will unite us, but only Your love will sustain our unity. Our relationship with You will be the glue in our marriage. I will never stop asking You to pour out Your love day by day, year after year, for I know that is the key to an everlasting marriage on earth.

So God, I have said it all. I have prayed about it, cried about it, and I am pleading with You for it. It seems I am asking too much though. I am asking you a ‘one in a million’ man. But if indeed there is only one in a million, You are able to make that ‘one’ to be mine. I know You have something even better in store for me. More than what my eyes could see, and more than all the beautiful words I could write. You are always full of surprises, God, and I am trusting my whole life to You, my Creator and my All in all. Amen.

So here I am, sitting on a bed, only a few meters away from my best friend, not knowing what to do.

She’s crying, crying about her life. Crying of what the life has given to her. Crying of those unanswered prayers. Crying of the rights to a happy life that seem to be taken away from her. Well, I know most of her problems. In fact, I can easily guess what problem that destroys her today. But I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. There have been so many days when I talked, and talked, and talked about her problems. And she knows exactly where I stand. I stand on the side of Jesus. I stand by the truth. So I am being utterly quiet right now. Melodies and sung words could do much of a favor, I presume, so I turn on some songs about God’s perfect love and His faithfulness, and let her cry over the songs. She knows the truth, as much as it hurts, but sometimes we all need to hear it again in a less-provocative way, through those beautiful worship songs.

My other best friend taught me one thing. Sometimes being silent is better than talking too much. A pat in the back is much better than a thousand words. Even the bible said so.

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. (James 1:19 NASB)

So I am practicing the -silent is golden- thing and continue to hope in my heart that she could finally find a way out of this ugly pit she’s in.

I feel like crying. I am holding my tears, trying to look strong and content as if nothing happened. But I just can’t see my closest friend falling apart in front of me. I suddenly feel as broken as her. I want to go to the source of her problem and make it disappear. But I am not God. And God is actually achieving something in her character and her life through this problem. So the problem is not a problem for the Almighty Heavenly God. He is too sovereign for this. But human’s heart is too fragile, too doubtful, too easy to say “this is too big for me” or “I’m not cut out for this” or the most famous one “God doesn’t love me anymore”.

So I do what I have to do. I wait upon the Lord and pray. Pray as much as I can. Pray as earnestly as I can, pleading with God to give her a certain answer. And a peaceful mind. A content heart. And spiritual eyes that are fixed on Jesus. In every trials, be sure to fix your eyes on Jesus, the Almighty one, the one that has defeated everything on the cross. Not only satan, but also our weaknesses. Live with the fact that He has won the battle. And that we are more than conquerors if we abide in Him.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1, 2 NASB)

Lagi-lagi Allah membuatku terkesima. Dia yang melukis awan-awan di langit, dan membuat seolah-olah gumpalan uap air itu ada maknanya. Manusia berusaha menebak arti goresan-goresan yang menghias cakrawala itu, dan mencari kemiripan dengan dunia. Tapi mungkin saja, mungkin saja itu gambaran makhluk-makhluk Surga. Yang tak pernah kita lihat, yang belum pernah kita dengar.

Aku melintas sekali lagi di antara goresan-goresan itu. Dan aku bahkan melihat padang belantara Surga! Paparan awan dari ujung ke ujung, seperti mengundangku berjalan di atasnya. Ingin satu waktu aku turun ke sana, menyusuri padang yang melayang di angkasa itu dan merasakan apa yang selama ini hanya dapat kupandang. Apakah seperti semak-semak? Apakah seperti angin? Apa sebenarnya, aku sedang berjalan di pelataran Surga? Meski aku tahu, ini masih sangat jauh dari tempat kediamanNya.

Pilot membuka wacana. Kami sedang berada 11.600 meter di atas permukaan laut, katanya. Ia melaporkan cuaca. Ia melaporkan waktu tiba. Tapi aku yakin, ia tak akan pernah bisa menjelaskan apa yang sedang Tuhan lakukan di langit pagi ini. Tak ada penjelasan. Tak ada kata-kata. Hanya kesima, kagum, pesona, heran, ingin tahu. Ya, ingin tahu akan banyak hal yang misteri dalam hidupku, seperti awan-awan ini. Seperti cakrawala ini.

Tidak ada manusia super di dunia ini. Yang ada hanya Tuhan yang ajaib. Yang keajaibannya kekal, dari masa ke masa. Yang kuyakin hanya satu. Kalau Ia begitu peduli untuk melukis langit dan membuatnya tak sebanding dengan keindahan buatan tangan manusia, kalau Ia begitu rupa memikirkan apa yang hanya tergantung di angkasa dan menurunkan hujan, aku yakin, jauh lebih lagi Ia memikirkan aku. Gambar dan rupaNya. CintaNya. Buah hatiNya. Pusat pengorbananNya.

Dan saat aku tengah memikirkanNya, saat ini juga, Dia pun memikirkan aku. Aku sedang berkasih-kasihan dengan Allah. Aku sedang bersendagurau, bertanya jawab, berbalas kata-kata, meski aku tak mendengar bicaraNya.

Yesus. Dia penuh cinta. Setia. Adil. Besar. Melingkupi bumi. Mengatasi langit. Yang Tertinggi di atas yang tertinggi. Tapi hatiNya turun sampai ke bumi. Sampai ke hatiku.

Dia selalu datang di tengah sepi. Dia berbicara di dalam sunyi. Dia ada, dan aku merasakanNya. Dan asal Dia ada, bersamaku, itu pasti cukup. Karena semua di bawah kakiNya, semua di dalam tanganNya, dan aku terukir di hatiNya. Hidupku indah dalam rancanganNya.

Yesus, terima kasih untuk lukisanMu di awan pagi ini. Aku melihatnya, Tuhan. Indah sekali.

Menangislah, sampai menangis itu tidak ada gunanya.
Menangis, sampai air mata tak terasa.
Menangis, sampai Tuhan menjawab doa.
Menangis, meski bersyukur atau bertanya.

Menangis, waktu baik dan buruk masanya.
Menangis, waktu keadilan dicela.
Menangislah, saat kekurangan hikmat.
Menangislah, saat kelimpahan berkat.

Menangis karena berharap pada hal-hal yang tak masuk akal.
Menangislah untuk pengharapan yang tak kelihatan.
Menangislah karena mungkin itu satu-satunya jalan.
Untuk mencapai ketenangan.
Air mata dan Tuhan.
Mereka bekerjasama.
Menenangkan hati kita.

"Sedangkan seorang hamba Tuhan tidak boleh bertengkar, tetapi harus ramah terhadap semua orang. Ia harus cakap mengajar, sabar dan dengan lemah lembut dapat menuntun orang yang suka melawan, sebab mungkin Tuhan memberikan kesempatan kepada mereka untuk bertobat dan memimpin mereka sehingga mereka mengenal kebenaran, dan dengan demikian mereka menjadi sadar kembali, karena terlepas dari jerat Iblis yang telah mengikat mereka pada kehendaknya." -2 Timotius 2:24-26

Ada anugerah untuk berbicara pada 'tembok'. Tembok-tembok yang susah mendengar. Tembok-tembok yang susah percaya. Tembok-tembok yang bebal. Tembok-tembok yang tidak suka proses.
Ada anugerah tambahan untuk berbicara kepada mereka. Untuk diam bahkan, jika memang kita sudah mengatakan apa yang semestinya mereka dengar. Ada anugerah untuk menerima mereka meski mereka belum sempurna. Ada anugerah untuk percaya bahwa Tuhan bekerja bahkan di dalam hati yang sekeras baja.

Jadi kalau ada anugerah Allah, jangan menyerah. Tetap bekerja untuk Dia yang menugaskan kita di sana. Di tempat tembok-tembok itu berdiri. Sekarang tembok mereka masih teguh. Tapi suatu hari pasti runtuh.

Tuhanku luar biasa. Ia bisa menyuruhku untuk berbicara di tengah kerumunan, hanya demi satu orang. Hanya agar satu orang menemukan jawabannya. Hanya untuk meredakan kebingungannya. Hanya demi satu jiwa, Ia membuka mulutku dan menaruh kata-kata. Padahal aku pikir, aku tak ingin berbicara. Aku tak punya topik yang brilian untuk dibicarakan pada orang banyak. Tapi Ia berkata kepadaku, ceritakan tentang kasihKu, ceritakan tentang betapa panjangnya, dan lebarnya, dan dalamnya, dan tingginya kasihKu. (Efesus 3:18-19)

Tuhan pun mulai menaruh kata-kata di lidahku:
"KasihKu panjang, karena aku tak pernah berhenti mengejar, kalau kamu jauh.
Kasihku dalam, sedalam pengertianKu kalau kamu merasa tak mampu.
Kasihku lebar, seperti tanganKu yang selalu terbuka lebar untukmu, kapanpun kamu ingin kembali.
Kasihku tinggi, karena tak seorang manusia pun dapat memahaminya.
Katakan pada anak-anakKu, kasihKu memang tak akan dapat dimengerti, sebab melampaui segala pengetahuan manusia. Tapi kasihKu bisa dikenal. KasihKu bisa dialami. Kenalilah, alamilah, terimalah, tak usah berusaha memahami Aku, terima saja cintaKu. Biarkan cintaKu membalut hidupmu."

Lalu aku pun mengerti maksud Tuhan. Logika dan kemanusiawian kita hanya akan menghalangi kasihNya. Jangan lihat kasih Allah pakai kacamata logika. Untuk sesaat saja, sisihkan akal budi dan mulai aktifkan roh dan iman untuk melihat Tuhan. Sejenak saja, lihat kasihNya tanpa usaha kita. Terima saja cinta itu, biarkan cinta itu menyembuhkan kita.

Lalu sepulang dari acara di mana aku harus berbicara itu, seseorang mengirimkan pesan kepadaku, dan berkata bahwa Tuhan menjawabnya pada hari ini. Ia telah berusaha untuk memahami kasih Tuhan selama 3-4 bulan dan menemukan segala fakta yang pro dan kontra, tetapi malam ini ia menerima sebuah jawaban yang melegakan, dan mungkin malah, membebaskan. Kasih Tuhan itu memang tak untuk dimengerti, tapi untuk dikenal dan dialami.

Aku hanya bisa terkagum pada keluasan cintaNya. Aku sendiri tak akan pernah mengerti bagaimana Ia menyuruhku berbicara tentang kasih -yang kupikir bukan topik baru- tetapi ternyata seseorang dibebaskan, satu jiwa dilegakan, bagi kemuliaan Kristus.

Aku rasa, Tuhan tahu kebutuhan umatNya. Jika seseorang perlu mendengarnya lagi, Ia akan membuat siapapun berbicara.

Tuhan, aku hanya punya satu harapan.
Agar Kau tetap yang terutama dalam hidupku.
Yang pertama dari segala sesuatu.

Pencipta di atas semua yang dicipta;
Nomor satu.

Bukan karir atau pekerjaan.
Bukan harta, uang, atau kekayaan.
Bukan gereja atau pelayanan.
Bukan apa yang tampak baik untuk dilakukan.
Bukan keluarga atau cinta
Bukan orang-orang;
Apalagi barang-barang.
Bukan hal-hal yang penting dalam kehidupan.
Bukan kepuasan badani atau kesehatan
Bukan kebaikan atau kebanggaan
Bukan tindakan-tindakan
Atau keinginan-keinginan.
Bukan posisi atau prestasi
Bukan kekhawatiran,
Ketakutan-ketakutan yang tak perlu.
Pikiran, logika, atau imajinasi
Bukan otak kiri atau otak kanan.
Bahkan, bukan panggilanMu.
Bukan janjiMu.
Bukan berkat dan anugerahMu

Tapi hanya Engkau.
Hanya Engkau.
Selamanya sampai selamanya.
Hanya Engkau.