The Grace Observed

Have you ever been in such a clear state of mind, when something bad inside you was being dealt with by God? You were aware clearly, what was being dealt with, what was wrong, and what God was doing to you in order to fix it.

I have, and I am still in that process.

It feels like undergoing a cardiac surgery consciously, without any anesthetic injections. Darn, it feels hurt. Sometimes, it feels really damning.

My problem is pride. And my pride is huge.

But two years ago when I repented from my old Christian life, I know that from that day on, He will make whatever change necessary to build me and prepare me for the holy calling. My job is to see, listen, and be patient. Because I think somehow He has let me know already, it’s going to hurt now and then.

I think if I can see clearly through my process as if someone else is being ‘operated’ on the operating table, it’s because the Holy Spirit is telling me what God is doing.

So although my flesh hates it so much, my spirit craves for it. I want to be perfected in God. I want nothing but to be washed by His blood, corrected by His Spirit, and renewed by His words over and over again, as much as necessary. I know there’s a pride problem standing between God’s plan and me. I don’t want my pride to stay. It has to go. Whatever causes me to acknowledge myself instead of my Lord Jesus Christ who has done every great thing in me, it has to go.

I can see my calling, my future, my life. I hear it, I read it, I feel it, even since I was just a little girl. But it would be just a pathetic fantasy, if I keep living in my pride. I finally reached that conclusion two and a half years ago when my mom suddenly passed away. It was my ultimate turning point, because that very moment, I realized that I’ve been trying so hard to reach God’s plan with my own prideful way, and I ended up with nothing, zilch, zippo. Worst, I was back where I started. I’m going nowhere in three years! So with a regretful heart and a whole lot of tears, I came back to Him, begged Him to take me back. Needless to say, I can’t use my pride to achieve His plan. It will instead ruin everything until the very last brick. {But when his heart became arrogant and hardened with pride, he was deposed from his royal throne and stripped of his glory. –Daniel 5:20}

Luckily, I am dealing with a merciful God. He was the one who’s celebrating my return. He was so happy that He has given my life back, and even more, He has given me new and joyful things in life. {‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the Lord of hosts.” –Haggai 2:9}

Now I totally agree that this prideful person has to go for good, so the great plans of God could come in and stay, and bear fruits.

I want to be what God wants me to be. I want to be used by God because that way I know I will die with a big peaceful smile on my face. I want to be able to be like my mom, and my grandma, finishing my race well, and doing God’s will till the day Jesus calls me home. I want to be a good example to my kids, and a good loving wife to my husband. I want to be a blessing in every part of my life. And if for that purpose, I have to be ‘operated’ consciously by God, knowing that it will hurt so many times before I finally have my new heart, so be it. I want more.

By the way, my mentor said my calling is teaching the word of God. Honestly I never really think that way. I used to think that my calling is to be an author for God. But I also think she’s right. All the books that I am going to write are all about teaching God’s word.

This morning when I couldn’t stop thinking and talking to God about my pride process, God said to me through someone’s shirt passing right in front of me: Better Teacher, Better Future. I am sure it’s some company’s tagline, but I am pretty convinced too that God was using that to talk to me and ease my mind, that He is processing me to be a better teacher.


Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.
–Proverbs 18:12

Orang-orang yang sulit tidak datang kepada kita agar kita dapat mengganti mereka dengan orang lain. Mereka datang kepada kita agar kita dapat mengubah mereka, dan lebih baik lagi, mungkin merekalah yang akan mengubah kita. Karena seringkali, kita tidak menyadari, sesungguhnya karakter kitalah yang perlu berubah, bukan orang lain.

Saya sudah melalui berbagai masa di mana saya harus bertemu dengan orang-orang yang sulit. Atasan-atasan yang sulit, bawahan-bawahan yang lebih sulit, dan bahkan mitra kerja yang membuat saya sakit kepala. Tapi dalam semuanya itu, mereka tidak lebih banyak berubah dari saya! Ternyata dalam proses itu, sayalah yang paling banyak berubah. Dan saya ada sebagaimana saya ada sekarang karena mereka mengasah saya dengan baik. Sangat baik.

So when you find difficult people, don't throw them away too fast. They might be useful for you.

Lagipula, saya percaya pada kualitas yang tersembunyi. Anda tak selalu menemukannya di depan. Dalam hal orang-orang yang sulit, Anda mungkin menemukannya setelah Anda terjun jauh ke dalam kehidupan mereka, atau bahkan pada detik-detik terakhir. Tapi kualitas itu ada, di sana. Menunggu seseorang untuk bersedia menggali cukup lama sampai menemukannya.

I hope you find light through my devotion today.

Suddenly I have this weird feeling of loving someone I haven't met. As if, in the realm of my spirit, someone that will be an important object of my love is very near to me. Like, in three kilometer radius (suddenly I'm being precise). Just like in a classic Highlander movie, when you can feel if someone with the same nature of power is getting closer and you can feel his presence even if you can't see him. 

Is it possible, that God is telling me something? That he is near already? Or he is in the neighborhood? Or he is just passing by?
 
Weird feeling. But can't throw it away just yet. It might be true.

Aku berjalan di dalam rumahKu, melalui dan menilik setiap orang. Lalu Aku melihatmu. Wajahmu cantik, pakaianmu indah, tapi hatimu remuk. Hancur oleh kehidupan. Kamu disakiti. Kamu dikhianati. Dan kamu lelah. Kamu berusaha menahan dengan segala cara, agar hatimu tak jatuh dan pecah berkeping-keping. Kamu memoles dirimu dan berharap Aku tidak tahu. Kamu berharap Aku berpikir kamu baik-baik saja. Tetapi tahukah kamu, Aku tidak pernah melihat apa yang kau pakai? Semua keindahan dunia ini tak ada artinya bagiku. Aku tak pernah peduli pada penampilanmu. Aku hanya peduli pada hatimu. Jika hatimu hancur, bahkan malaikat-malaikatKu pun tak dapat menutupinya dari Aku. Sejauh apapun kamu telah pergi, kamu tak kan pernah lepas dari kasihKu. Jadi jangan sembunyikan hatimu, anakKu. Berikanlah kepadaKu, Aku tahu persis bagaimana menangani dan mengatasi rasa sakitmu. Percayalah, dan biarkan Aku memulihkan hidupmu.

So let's talk about bitterness. The funny thing is, we all seem to love living in bitterness. And we love to contribute bitterness to each other so we could get even bitter everyday. And one day, if someone realizes that it is wrong to be bitter, and decides to fix his/her heart, we would be angry and think that he/she has left us dry and consider it as the ultimate betrayal of the century. Meanwhile, the main point is, it is wrong to be bitter, whatever good reason behind it. And if someone wants to be free from bitterness, we should at least support them, whether we like it or not.

I had a friend, she is bitter about something. I was having the same bitterness as her, and together we contributed to each other's bitterness. We loved each other because of that same bitterness we had toward something, or some people. It's been clear to me now, bitterness had been a fuel to our friendship. Every time we had the chance to meet, we would tell each other about our bitterness and pondered on it for a long two or three hours. Then after we felt better, we went home feeling that we have had a wonderful time.

Until one day, out of the blue, God did something in my life that lead me to losing my bitterness. Yes, my deep bitterness was immediately cleansed by God through a series of overwhelming events. I know it for sure that it's God's work because He told me to go to the person that was the center of my bitterness and seek for his help. And that person, out of mercy and grace, was willing to help me and even more than that, he was willing to forgive my bitterness.

Suddenly I just realized that I was wrong all the way. I am a God's servant, but I allowed bitterness entered my heart, and stayed there for a long time, without knowing what those 'dirts' can do to my heart. I just repented and walk away from my sin. A sin that I have just known exists in my heart. That's the thing that we should be afraid of. The sin of bitterness is sometimes, well, many times, invisible. We don't realize it's there, until it does some damages. And even if it does some painful damages in our lives, we still won't admit that it was caused by our bitterness. We are so good in defending our own bitterness!

As you might have guessed, as a result, I lost my friend. A very good friend. Because of this. Because it seems like I'm walking away and joining 'the enemies'. Though I'm not. I'm not walking away, and I'm not betraying a friendship. And I'm not changing sides, because God clearly forbids me from taking sides. Because it is not mine to take. Judgement is God's sovereign right, not mine.

I have chosen the path of repentance, that's all. And if I have got to lose a friend, or friends because of that, I so believe God can easily replace my sadness with His eternal joy. What I truly hope in my heart is, that my friend will experience the same freedom from bitterness as I do now. Because it surely feels good. And it will put you back in God's track. Remember that bitterness prevents blessing. If bitterness is in your heart, it will not be a comfortable place for God. And you can't have a fruitful life, if God, the source of all fruits, can't work freely in your life. Think about these things. Then check yourself if you are bitter.

Aku bodoh, tapi Allah berhikmat
Aku bukan apa-apa, tapi Allah adalah segala sesuatu
Aku lemah, tapi Allah berkuasa
Aku kanak-kanak, tapi Allah dewasa dan bijaksana
Aku sombong, tapi Allah rendah hati
Aku membenci, tapi Allah mengasihi
Aku kecil dan tak berdaya, tapi kebesaran Allah dahsyat tak tertandingi
Aku berdosa, tapi darahNya menebus segala pelanggaran.
Aku seharusnya dihukum, tapi Allah memastikan itu tidak terjadi.
Jadi jika Dia di dalam aku, dan aku di dalam Dia,
aku bukannya aku lagi, tapi Allah yang ada dalamku.

Lagi-lagi, aku harus menceritakan tentang Allah... Dan perjanjian-perjanjian rahasia yang kulakukan denganNya.

Tapi ini bukan sebuah cerita yang serius, ini kisah yang sangat menghibur, dan malah sedikit membuatku tertawa. Well, we can say that, God was teasing me. But, I was the one who asked for it. He was just showing His agreement.

The story took place when I was sitting in my cell group meeting and thinking, while others were sharing their thoughts on this particular topic delivered by one of our seniors... Aku sedang berpikir apa yang harus aku sampaikan, dan apakah aku harus menyampaikannya. Apa yang harus kulakukan, dan apakah aku perlu melakukannya. Jujur, aku sangat berhati-hati dalam melakukan atau mengatakan sesuatu. Aku hanya ingin mengatakan apa yang perlu kukatakan tanpa menceritakannya secara berlebihan (aku punya tendensi itu), karena aku ingin saudara-saudaraku di grup ini dapat memperoleh pesan yang tepat, yang memang mereka butuhkan, bukan cerita panjang lebar yang malah akan membuat mereka bingung (Aku mungkin juga punya tendensi itu).

Aku punya sebuah pemikiran yang berlari-lari di dalam otakku. Sebuah pemikiran, yang mungkin saja jika kubagikan, dapat memberkati mereka yang mendengarnya. Aku ingin sekali menyampaikannya, tapi aku tidak yakin, karena hari itu bukan giliranku untuk memimpin sharing. Dan aku tak mau mengambil ruang dan waktu seniorku, out of my respect to her. Juga ada ketakutan tersendiri di dalam hatiku, jika aku membagikan pemikiran manusiaku, yang bukan berasal dari Allah, aku akan membanggakan diri karena itu. Tapi aku bimbang dan terus menerus memikirkannya, apakah benar jika aku tidak mengatakannya, apakah sesuai dengan kehendak Allah? Lalu aku pun bertanya kepada Tuhan di dalam hati, 'Tuhan, bagaimana ini, apakah pemikiran di dalam kepalaku ini berasal dari Engkau? Haruskah aku membicarakannya? Tapi bagaimana aku tahu jawabanMu...? Ah begini saja, jika Engkau menghendaki aku untuk melakukan atau mengatakan apa yang terpikirkan di dalam kepalaku, Kau akan membuatku terbatuk-batuk (seolah-olah tersedak)'. What? Ya aku tak tahu mengapa dalam waktu yang sekejap aku membuat perjanjian seperti itu dengan Tuhan. Hanya itu yang bisa terpikirkan dalam hitungan detik saat berbagai pertimbangan saling berlomba di dalam otakku. Mungkin karena aku terlalu sering menonton film khas Amerika, di mana kala seseorang berusaha untuk memberitahu sesuatu kepadamu, ia akan menyenggolmu dan membuatmu tersedak; atau menendang kakimu, salah satu dari itu.

Aku hanya benar-benar ingin melakukan kehendakNya dan bukan keinginanku sendiri. Aku takut jika aku melakukan keinginanku sendiri, dan berhasil, then I will take credits for that. And I don't want to do that.

Akhirnya, sepanjang acara cell group itu, aku tidak tersedak sama sekali... Well, eventually, aku pun lupa akan perjanjian itu. Sehingga aku pun tidak jadi menyampaikan apa yang tadinya dengan penuh ambisi ingin kusampaikan. Thank God for holding me back. Kalau aku ingat-ingat, bahkan ketika kami makan malam pun, aku tak tersedak sama sekali. Itu sesuatu yang jarang terjadi. Satu dua kali, cabe bisa membuatku tersedak. Tulang ayam bisa membuatku tersedak. Tapi anehnya, aku tidak tersedak, bahkan hingga acara berakhir dan kami bergegas pulang.

Sewaktu aku pulang, aku mampir di tempat salah satu teman cell group dan duduk sejenak sembari mengumpulkan tenaga yang tersisa untuk mengendarai motor dan berjalan pulang karena hari sudah larut malam. Lalu sebuah pemikiran muncul di kepalaku, yaitu aku harus mendoakan dia. Pada saat ini Aku sudah lupa akan perjanjianku dengan Tuhan beberapa jam sebelumnya. Tapi tiba-tiba, waktu aku sedang meminum segelas air mineral, AKU TERSEDAK! Saat itu aku langsung teringat pada persetujuan kecilku dengan Allah, bahwa jika Ia ingin aku menyampaikan atau melakukan sesuatu yang muncul dalam pikiranku, ia akan membuatku tersedak. Dan aku pun tersenyum lebar. Temanku sudah pasti tak tahu apa alasan di balik senyum simpulku yang benar-benar bermakna. Hanya aku dan Allah yang tahu. Aku pun mengajaknya berdoa, dan aku pulang dengan tersenyum pada Bapaku yang dahsyat, yang menjawab permintaan konyolku dengan sabar. Dan yang meyakinkan aku, dengan cara yang aku minta, bahwa aku sedang berjalan dalam kehendakNya.

ps: aku harus menulis ini, so I won't forget this moment, ever! Thank God for a God like You!