The Grace Observed

Kadang hadiratNya menerobos masuk
Di saat-saat aku terlalu sibuk
Dengan diriku dan orang-orang,
Dengan kehidupan, pekerjaan,
Masalah, atau tuntutan-tuntutan

Occupational hazard katanya
Memang begitu dunia
Tapi aku tak mau jauh dari Allahku!
Sedetik saja aku tak mau

Saat hatiku berteriak rindu
Tapi aku terkekang oleh waktu
Saat Tuhan harus berkorban
Berbagi, atau bahkan tersisihkan

Saat-saat itu,
Saat aku benar-benar membutuhan air hidup itu
HadiratNya menerobos masuk
Menyelip dalam pertengahan detik waktu

Selah. Ia memberiku selah.
Selah, dari semua masalah.

Ia membasuhku dalam kemuliaan
Ia menampakkan keagungan
Ia memberiku kelegaan
Jiwaku disegarkan

Ia membuktikan
Sekali lagi Ia membuktikan
Ia datang untuk memulihkan
Dan tinggal di dalamku
Sampai kesudahan waktu

Selamanya, Ia setia.
Selamanya, cinta Allah berbunga
Selamanya, sekali Ia mengatakan
Selamanya, Ia pasti akan melakukan
Karena ia setia, untuk selamanya.

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. -Proverbs 18:24 NLT

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. -John 15:13 NASB

Last night, our cell group had an after-party. Yeah, I mean, after most of the CG members went home, some of us -who were still craving for more- stayed and continued talking about mentoring and discipleship.

Well, I don't really know the theological theories behind discipleship, but I was just so happy that I have a mentor. My current mentor, I met her more than a year ago, is probably one of the best I have ever had. And I thank God repeatedly for her.

We met through what I believe as a 'divine appointment', the first time I joined my cell group. I was in a desperate need of a mentor, someone to teach me more about God, and there she was, standing right in front of me, that very moment. That time, we could feel it flowing in our hearts; God has knitted our souls, just like Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18:1-3. Something greater has bound us, and we won't be able to escape each other.

She was not an easy mentor. There were times when I felt that I won't survive her mentoring process. Her style was not 'soft' and 'easy'. She threw hard words for me to digest, and she wouldn't soften her methods though I have begged for it. I still remember, I went home one day and said to my Dad that I thought she was too hard, and I was not sure she's right for me. My Dad's comment was as simple as: "It's hard too find a good friend". But it got my attention. It had me linger a little while, just to find out what is exactly the will of the Lord. Because I am sure that once He showed someone to me, He has a plan.

So I stayed. When she scolded me, I stayed. When she told me to do something I was not comfortable of doing, I tried really hard to obey. I kept trying to digest her words and trusting her because I know, she said what she said and she did what she did because she loves me.

Once I can grasp God's love in her, and her love to God, I began to enjoy the process. I began to understand that God has sent her to build me, not to entertain me with nice words. I started to want more and more times to learn from her, and God has allowed me to do so.

And now, after one and half year spending most of my days with her, she is one of my best-est friends, a sister I never had, a loving mentor, and even sometimes a very annoying mommy. She has shown me how to lead, how to follow, how to destroy, how to build, how to hate the bad without losing love to the good, how to stand strong through trials, how to keep believing in my God whatever circumstances I'm in, and more than anything, how to trust God that I have His everlasting love, true acceptance, and that I will always have Him as my ever-present Savior, no matter what I did, no matter how bad I was.

She has opened my eyes to a lot of things in life. She has opened my eyes so I can see more of God, not her. This is the first and foremost fact you have to see in a mentor. Does he reflect God through his life? Or he's just trying to show you some church-like achievements? Does he put God at the center of his life? Is he falling in love with God more than you? What shines through his face? God, or his works? Is he living a Godly life, or a Christian-packaged life? Make sure, before you make someone your mentor.

So I encourage you, brothers and sisters, find yourself someone to build you, to teach you about Jesus, and to open your eyes to the truth and only to the truth. It might not feel so comfortable at first, because the truth does hurt, but that truth will also set you free. Find someone who wants to take you into his/ her life and let you observe, learn. Someone who is delighted in praying for you and your family. Pray so you can find one Godly brother or sister, because it would certainly help you find your ways in life.

God has found me one, the best there is, may He do the same to you.

Have you ever been in such a clear state of mind, when something bad inside you was being dealt with by God? You were aware clearly, what was being dealt with, what was wrong, and what God was doing to you in order to fix it.

I have, and I am still in that process.

It feels like undergoing a cardiac surgery consciously, without any anesthetic injections. Darn, it feels hurt. Sometimes, it feels really damning.

My problem is pride. And my pride is huge.

But two years ago when I repented from my old Christian life, I know that from that day on, He will make whatever change necessary to build me and prepare me for the holy calling. My job is to see, listen, and be patient. Because I think somehow He has let me know already, it’s going to hurt now and then.

I think if I can see clearly through my process as if someone else is being ‘operated’ on the operating table, it’s because the Holy Spirit is telling me what God is doing.

So although my flesh hates it so much, my spirit craves for it. I want to be perfected in God. I want nothing but to be washed by His blood, corrected by His Spirit, and renewed by His words over and over again, as much as necessary. I know there’s a pride problem standing between God’s plan and me. I don’t want my pride to stay. It has to go. Whatever causes me to acknowledge myself instead of my Lord Jesus Christ who has done every great thing in me, it has to go.

I can see my calling, my future, my life. I hear it, I read it, I feel it, even since I was just a little girl. But it would be just a pathetic fantasy, if I keep living in my pride. I finally reached that conclusion two and a half years ago when my mom suddenly passed away. It was my ultimate turning point, because that very moment, I realized that I’ve been trying so hard to reach God’s plan with my own prideful way, and I ended up with nothing, zilch, zippo. Worst, I was back where I started. I’m going nowhere in three years! So with a regretful heart and a whole lot of tears, I came back to Him, begged Him to take me back. Needless to say, I can’t use my pride to achieve His plan. It will instead ruin everything until the very last brick. {But when his heart became arrogant and hardened with pride, he was deposed from his royal throne and stripped of his glory. –Daniel 5:20}

Luckily, I am dealing with a merciful God. He was the one who’s celebrating my return. He was so happy that He has given my life back, and even more, He has given me new and joyful things in life. {‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the Lord of hosts.” –Haggai 2:9}

Now I totally agree that this prideful person has to go for good, so the great plans of God could come in and stay, and bear fruits.

I want to be what God wants me to be. I want to be used by God because that way I know I will die with a big peaceful smile on my face. I want to be able to be like my mom, and my grandma, finishing my race well, and doing God’s will till the day Jesus calls me home. I want to be a good example to my kids, and a good loving wife to my husband. I want to be a blessing in every part of my life. And if for that purpose, I have to be ‘operated’ consciously by God, knowing that it will hurt so many times before I finally have my new heart, so be it. I want more.

By the way, my mentor said my calling is teaching the word of God. Honestly I never really think that way. I used to think that my calling is to be an author for God. But I also think she’s right. All the books that I am going to write are all about teaching God’s word.

This morning when I couldn’t stop thinking and talking to God about my pride process, God said to me through someone’s shirt passing right in front of me: Better Teacher, Better Future. I am sure it’s some company’s tagline, but I am pretty convinced too that God was using that to talk to me and ease my mind, that He is processing me to be a better teacher.


Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.
–Proverbs 18:12

Orang-orang yang sulit tidak datang kepada kita agar kita dapat mengganti mereka dengan orang lain. Mereka datang kepada kita agar kita dapat mengubah mereka, dan lebih baik lagi, mungkin merekalah yang akan mengubah kita. Karena seringkali, kita tidak menyadari, sesungguhnya karakter kitalah yang perlu berubah, bukan orang lain.

Saya sudah melalui berbagai masa di mana saya harus bertemu dengan orang-orang yang sulit. Atasan-atasan yang sulit, bawahan-bawahan yang lebih sulit, dan bahkan mitra kerja yang membuat saya sakit kepala. Tapi dalam semuanya itu, mereka tidak lebih banyak berubah dari saya! Ternyata dalam proses itu, sayalah yang paling banyak berubah. Dan saya ada sebagaimana saya ada sekarang karena mereka mengasah saya dengan baik. Sangat baik.

So when you find difficult people, don't throw them away too fast. They might be useful for you.

Lagipula, saya percaya pada kualitas yang tersembunyi. Anda tak selalu menemukannya di depan. Dalam hal orang-orang yang sulit, Anda mungkin menemukannya setelah Anda terjun jauh ke dalam kehidupan mereka, atau bahkan pada detik-detik terakhir. Tapi kualitas itu ada, di sana. Menunggu seseorang untuk bersedia menggali cukup lama sampai menemukannya.

I hope you find light through my devotion today.

Suddenly I have this weird feeling of loving someone I haven't met. As if, in the realm of my spirit, someone that will be an important object of my love is very near to me. Like, in three kilometer radius (suddenly I'm being precise). Just like in a classic Highlander movie, when you can feel if someone with the same nature of power is getting closer and you can feel his presence even if you can't see him. 

Is it possible, that God is telling me something? That he is near already? Or he is in the neighborhood? Or he is just passing by?
 
Weird feeling. But can't throw it away just yet. It might be true.

Aku berjalan di dalam rumahKu, melalui dan menilik setiap orang. Lalu Aku melihatmu. Wajahmu cantik, pakaianmu indah, tapi hatimu remuk. Hancur oleh kehidupan. Kamu disakiti. Kamu dikhianati. Dan kamu lelah. Kamu berusaha menahan dengan segala cara, agar hatimu tak jatuh dan pecah berkeping-keping. Kamu memoles dirimu dan berharap Aku tidak tahu. Kamu berharap Aku berpikir kamu baik-baik saja. Tetapi tahukah kamu, Aku tidak pernah melihat apa yang kau pakai? Semua keindahan dunia ini tak ada artinya bagiku. Aku tak pernah peduli pada penampilanmu. Aku hanya peduli pada hatimu. Jika hatimu hancur, bahkan malaikat-malaikatKu pun tak dapat menutupinya dari Aku. Sejauh apapun kamu telah pergi, kamu tak kan pernah lepas dari kasihKu. Jadi jangan sembunyikan hatimu, anakKu. Berikanlah kepadaKu, Aku tahu persis bagaimana menangani dan mengatasi rasa sakitmu. Percayalah, dan biarkan Aku memulihkan hidupmu.

So let's talk about bitterness. The funny thing is, we all seem to love living in bitterness. And we love to contribute bitterness to each other so we could get even bitter everyday. And one day, if someone realizes that it is wrong to be bitter, and decides to fix his/her heart, we would be angry and think that he/she has left us dry and consider it as the ultimate betrayal of the century. Meanwhile, the main point is, it is wrong to be bitter, whatever good reason behind it. And if someone wants to be free from bitterness, we should at least support them, whether we like it or not.

I had a friend, she is bitter about something. I was having the same bitterness as her, and together we contributed to each other's bitterness. We loved each other because of that same bitterness we had toward something, or some people. It's been clear to me now, bitterness had been a fuel to our friendship. Every time we had the chance to meet, we would tell each other about our bitterness and pondered on it for a long two or three hours. Then after we felt better, we went home feeling that we have had a wonderful time.

Until one day, out of the blue, God did something in my life that lead me to losing my bitterness. Yes, my deep bitterness was immediately cleansed by God through a series of overwhelming events. I know it for sure that it's God's work because He told me to go to the person that was the center of my bitterness and seek for his help. And that person, out of mercy and grace, was willing to help me and even more than that, he was willing to forgive my bitterness.

Suddenly I just realized that I was wrong all the way. I am a God's servant, but I allowed bitterness entered my heart, and stayed there for a long time, without knowing what those 'dirts' can do to my heart. I just repented and walk away from my sin. A sin that I have just known exists in my heart. That's the thing that we should be afraid of. The sin of bitterness is sometimes, well, many times, invisible. We don't realize it's there, until it does some damages. And even if it does some painful damages in our lives, we still won't admit that it was caused by our bitterness. We are so good in defending our own bitterness!

As you might have guessed, as a result, I lost my friend. A very good friend. Because of this. Because it seems like I'm walking away and joining 'the enemies'. Though I'm not. I'm not walking away, and I'm not betraying a friendship. And I'm not changing sides, because God clearly forbids me from taking sides. Because it is not mine to take. Judgement is God's sovereign right, not mine.

I have chosen the path of repentance, that's all. And if I have got to lose a friend, or friends because of that, I so believe God can easily replace my sadness with His eternal joy. What I truly hope in my heart is, that my friend will experience the same freedom from bitterness as I do now. Because it surely feels good. And it will put you back in God's track. Remember that bitterness prevents blessing. If bitterness is in your heart, it will not be a comfortable place for God. And you can't have a fruitful life, if God, the source of all fruits, can't work freely in your life. Think about these things. Then check yourself if you are bitter.