The Grace Observed

Have you ever been in such a clear state of mind, when something bad inside you was being dealt with by God? You were aware clearly, what was being dealt with, what was wrong, and what God was doing to you in order to fix it.

I have, and I am still in that process.

It feels like undergoing a cardiac surgery consciously, without any anesthetic injections. Darn, it feels hurt. Sometimes, it feels really damning.

My problem is pride. And my pride is huge.

But two years ago when I repented from my old Christian life, I know that from that day on, He will make whatever change necessary to build me and prepare me for the holy calling. My job is to see, listen, and be patient. Because I think somehow He has let me know already, it’s going to hurt now and then.

I think if I can see clearly through my process as if someone else is being ‘operated’ on the operating table, it’s because the Holy Spirit is telling me what God is doing.

So although my flesh hates it so much, my spirit craves for it. I want to be perfected in God. I want nothing but to be washed by His blood, corrected by His Spirit, and renewed by His words over and over again, as much as necessary. I know there’s a pride problem standing between God’s plan and me. I don’t want my pride to stay. It has to go. Whatever causes me to acknowledge myself instead of my Lord Jesus Christ who has done every great thing in me, it has to go.

I can see my calling, my future, my life. I hear it, I read it, I feel it, even since I was just a little girl. But it would be just a pathetic fantasy, if I keep living in my pride. I finally reached that conclusion two and a half years ago when my mom suddenly passed away. It was my ultimate turning point, because that very moment, I realized that I’ve been trying so hard to reach God’s plan with my own prideful way, and I ended up with nothing, zilch, zippo. Worst, I was back where I started. I’m going nowhere in three years! So with a regretful heart and a whole lot of tears, I came back to Him, begged Him to take me back. Needless to say, I can’t use my pride to achieve His plan. It will instead ruin everything until the very last brick. {But when his heart became arrogant and hardened with pride, he was deposed from his royal throne and stripped of his glory. –Daniel 5:20}

Luckily, I am dealing with a merciful God. He was the one who’s celebrating my return. He was so happy that He has given my life back, and even more, He has given me new and joyful things in life. {‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the Lord of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the Lord of hosts.” –Haggai 2:9}

Now I totally agree that this prideful person has to go for good, so the great plans of God could come in and stay, and bear fruits.

I want to be what God wants me to be. I want to be used by God because that way I know I will die with a big peaceful smile on my face. I want to be able to be like my mom, and my grandma, finishing my race well, and doing God’s will till the day Jesus calls me home. I want to be a good example to my kids, and a good loving wife to my husband. I want to be a blessing in every part of my life. And if for that purpose, I have to be ‘operated’ consciously by God, knowing that it will hurt so many times before I finally have my new heart, so be it. I want more.

By the way, my mentor said my calling is teaching the word of God. Honestly I never really think that way. I used to think that my calling is to be an author for God. But I also think she’s right. All the books that I am going to write are all about teaching God’s word.

This morning when I couldn’t stop thinking and talking to God about my pride process, God said to me through someone’s shirt passing right in front of me: Better Teacher, Better Future. I am sure it’s some company’s tagline, but I am pretty convinced too that God was using that to talk to me and ease my mind, that He is processing me to be a better teacher.


Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.
–Proverbs 18:12

Orang-orang yang sulit tidak datang kepada kita agar kita dapat mengganti mereka dengan orang lain. Mereka datang kepada kita agar kita dapat mengubah mereka, dan lebih baik lagi, mungkin merekalah yang akan mengubah kita. Karena seringkali, kita tidak menyadari, sesungguhnya karakter kitalah yang perlu berubah, bukan orang lain.

Saya sudah melalui berbagai masa di mana saya harus bertemu dengan orang-orang yang sulit. Atasan-atasan yang sulit, bawahan-bawahan yang lebih sulit, dan bahkan mitra kerja yang membuat saya sakit kepala. Tapi dalam semuanya itu, mereka tidak lebih banyak berubah dari saya! Ternyata dalam proses itu, sayalah yang paling banyak berubah. Dan saya ada sebagaimana saya ada sekarang karena mereka mengasah saya dengan baik. Sangat baik.

So when you find difficult people, don't throw them away too fast. They might be useful for you.

Lagipula, saya percaya pada kualitas yang tersembunyi. Anda tak selalu menemukannya di depan. Dalam hal orang-orang yang sulit, Anda mungkin menemukannya setelah Anda terjun jauh ke dalam kehidupan mereka, atau bahkan pada detik-detik terakhir. Tapi kualitas itu ada, di sana. Menunggu seseorang untuk bersedia menggali cukup lama sampai menemukannya.

I hope you find light through my devotion today.